Giving Up
by nitorii
Summary: Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one if you want me to -oOo- I was afraid to get any closer to you than I already was. There was more than friendship on my mind at the time, and I distanced myself so you wouldn't have to bother with me. I didn't want to… bother you. Saruhiko / Fem!Misaki. Inner monologue songfic told from both POVs.


Giving Up

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'll be the one, if you want me to  
Anywhere I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

I wonder if maybe you hadn't seen how far apart we'd grown. I'm not as terrible as you think me to be, Misaki. I never thought everything was directly your fault. I thought for the longest time that it was all me, me being jealous or me being protective of you, my best friend. My only friend. It may not have been your fault; it might have been me.

But other times I couldn't help but think that you _did_ notice our distance.

That you did notice, and you just didn't care anymore.

_And I am feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all_

Because there you would be, sitting across the bar as you joked with your fellow clansmen, the _men _you used to be so embarrassed around. And do you know what I saw in your eyes, Misaki? Not regret or loneliness. Not longing or sadness. Not anything I knew you could have found in my own expression if you had ever looked.

I saw _happiness_.

You were happy without me, you were having fun. Because I might have been there, in HOMRA with your precious Red Clan, but where had I truly been all that time? Lurking in the corner, ignoring the clansmen, watching you as _you _had fun. Maybe I thought that if I watched you long enough, that happiness would rub off on me. Or maybe I thought that you'd finally look back at me if you knew I was watching, that I still cared.

_And I will stumble and fall  
I'm still learning to love  
Just starting to crawl_

But that was it, wasn't it? I followed you there, to HOMRA; I had _followed _you. I was behind you, I was your past, the kind of past you wanted to forget. The Red Clan was your future and your now. The only words I could ever hear you say were 'Mikoto-san, Mikoto-san, Mikoto-san'. Say something else, Misaki, anything else.

If I had known how to communicate with you anymore, I would have told you the truth.

I would have told you that I love you, Misaki. But I was never any good at expressing how I felt, I always thought it would be better to keep it bottled up inside. And besides… I didn't want to break you as well.

I was broken, probably still am. I couldn't take the chance if there was any possibility of breaking you too. It was better that I left you when I did; I could have really hurt you.

Aren't you glad I'm gone anyways?

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
Anywhere I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

Did I push you away, Saruhiko? Did I annoy you in the end, just like I ended up annoying everyone else back in middle-school? When there was no one but you and me, and nothing else mattered, do you remember why we were alone?

Because you were too distant and I was overly present and we were both socially awkward. I can't remember the first time we met, can you? Was it the time in gym when I accidentally broke your nose with a dodge ball, or the day you were so engrossed in your PDA you walked right into me?

It's a pity I can't ask you, you know; you always seemed to remember important stuff like that.

_And I will swallow my pride  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye_

I want to hate you for leaving me. And I've tried to, because I know that's the proper reaction. That's what you must feel towards me, anyways. Why else would you leave me like that, with so much anger and resentment towards the clan? It was because you hated me wasn't it? I did something, I don't know what, but now you hate me.

You were just too block-headed, you know that?

I was afraid to get any closer to you than I was, because of how I felt about you. There was more than friendship on my mind at the time, and I distanced myself so you wouldn't have to bother with me. I didn't want to… bother you.

But I'm glad I stayed away; just look at what you did to me! Imagine if I had come forward with my feelings, imagine how much more it would have hurt when you abandoned me! I'll never forgive you for that.

I've forgiven you for leaving HOMRA. That, I can actually understand. You never really fit in, no matter how hard I tried to make a spot for you. But, even then, there were things we could have done. You could have left the bar anytime, you didn't even have to stay in the clan, but you didn't have to leave me too.

Idiot…

You could have told me you didn't like it there. I wouldn't be surprised about it, but at least we could have talked it out! Maybe then…

Maybe, even if I had built up enough courage to tell you how I felt…

Would you have stayed then? Would that have made a difference?

Would my love have been enough for you, Saruhiko? Enough to make you stop overthinking everything like you always did and just say something to me? Enough to make you stop thinking I'd hate you if you told me what was really going on?

Just please don't tell me you left because you wanted to. Please.

Tell me it couldn't be helped and you left because you_ had_ to. Tell me something else, Saruhiko.

Say something, before I give up on you.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
Say something..._

_**Song Lyrics: 'Say Something'**_

_**A Great Big World**_


End file.
